Many children today feel a strong need to be perfect. They want the best grades, the best performance, and the approval of adults around them. They believe mistakes are bad and that doing “well” means never messing up. While wanting to try your best can be healthy, feeling pressure to be perfect can be hard on a child’s mental health.
Perfectionism is not always easy to see at first. It's important to differentiate “Perfectionism” from “High Achievement”. Perfectionism is interfering; it can limit future success due to the paralyzing “fear of failure”. Mistakes and constructive criticism make them feel unworthy. High-achieving children work hard and want to do well. When they make a mistake, they may feel disappointed at first, but they are usually able to try again. Mistakes and helpful feedback do not define who they are. Instead, these moments help them grow stronger and more confident over time.
When children feel like they must always be perfect, it can affect how they feel each day. They may have trouble sleeping, complain of headaches or stomachaches, or feel sad or worried more often. Some children start to avoid school or activities they once loved. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and children need support in both to thrive.
One helpful step is to focus on effort instead of outcomes. When children hear that their hard work matters more than the final grade or score, they begin to feel safer trying new things. Talking openly about mistakes also helps. Sharing your own experiences, times you struggled, learned, or tried again. This can show your child that mistakes are a normal part of life.
It is also important to watch the messages children hear. Words like “You have to be the best” or “This should be easy for you” can add pressure, even when they are meant as encouragement. Children benefit from reminders that no one is perfect and putting forth your best effort is enough. In addition, parental positive reinforcement should transition from praising children for being “smart” to praising their hard work/dedication and the value of practice. Celebrating hard work instead of just outcomes can help children grow into resilient learners who feel proud of their effort and open to learning from mistakes.
Balance matters too. Time for play, rest, and family connection helps children recharge and feel supported. Checking in emotionally, asking how they felt about their day, not just how they performed, can open the door to important conversations.
Sometimes, extra help is needed. If your child seems anxious or sad most days, avoids school, or has strong reactions to small mistakes, reaching out to your child’s doctor or school counselor can be an important step. You are not alone on this journey. Early support can help children build healthy coping skills that last a lifetime. Children do not need to be perfect to be loved, valued, or successful. They are enough just as they are.
Written by: Seriah Groen-Hoeksema, DO
PGY3 BayCare Pediatric Residency
Helpful Resources:
Perfectionism: How to Help Your Child Avoid the Pitfalls - HealthyChildren.org
Trauma and Grief Resources - The Kids Mental Health Foundation
